Crazy Eights (2008)

Crazy Eights (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0470993/)

Whatever this is supposed to be, well, it’s not. Several people star in this movie, but I don’t think any of them actually act in this movie. IKM productions has this to say about the synopsis:

“Six people are brought together at the funeral of a childhood friend. While settling the estate, they discover a map, which leads them on a search for a long forgotten time capsule, at the request of their dead friend. What they discover reawakens repressed childhood traumas and leads them on a journey through their long abandoned childhood home: a home with a terrible secret and a mysterious dead girl who will lead them to their strange fates.”

It makes sense in an odd way on paper. Sadly, it does not on celluloid.

I really couldn’t tell when any of the childhood friends actually got the request. I know there was a lot of supposedly creepy nonsense that happened early on that, I believe, was supposed to represent the request. There was a priest with customary white collar because God knows at this point no one could understand a man with faith actually had faith without the token collar around his neck.

I would say that, after the beginning, it went downhill. But that wouldn’t be true. We begin this film with going downhill already in progress. Our priest has some sort of waking dream about walking through his church, everything covered in sheets. There’s a moment where something stands up, also covered in a sheet. Another of our childhood friends, after giving a lecture to her college class, has an incident with a slide projector. I forget what happened to the others. There was sculpture involved.

I’d love to give this movie some breaks, but it deserves none. It’s just another of After Dark Films’s Horrorfest entries that will garner no memory after it dissapears from the shelves of the Giant DVD Rental Chain stores. The first year of Horrorfest gave us a notable film or two (The Abandoned being one). A moment or two of actual fear to be enjoyed.

Not so this go-round. It was a true schlock fest of epic proportions that make horror buffs like your Uncle Not Clever very sad at the state of the genre.

Shame on you, After Dark Films.

Uncle Not Clever’s Not Patented but Reliable Rating: Jennifer Connelly naked, bothered and possessing in her hand a copy of Jeremiah Johnson is the only thing that would convince me to turn this crap back on.